Die Book
by Princess Unicorn123
Summary: A parody of Death Note. Light is braindead fanboy with a god complex, Ryuk is a lonely soul looking for love, Misa is a violent streetfighter with a bad reputation and L is a depressed goth, forever in existential crisis. This is bound to end well.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys! It's been such a looong time! I had a random spark of inspiration at dinner today! So enjoy!**

Once upon a time there was a beautiful Shinigami called Ryuk. Now, despite being such a fabulously, swagarific guy, Ryuk was single. The only female Shinigami in MU was not interested because of his "hygiene issues"

So poor ol' Ryuk was always alone.

Then one day, Ryuk had a idea! What if he "accidentally" dropped his Death Note in the human world and a human girl picked it up? Then, she would fall in love with Ryuk and they would be together forever!

So, Ryuk dropped his Death Note outside a highschool in Japan because he'd had his eyes on some of the girls there for , he skipped back to the Shinigami realm to await his one true love.

_Light Yagami wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. In fact, a dead fish had more intellect than him. But, despite these flaws, Light Yagami was in love with himself. One day, he was admiring his lovely, silky hair in the window during class when suddenly a book fell out of the sky._

_"I'm so taking that." Light thought as it fell to the ground. _

_"Mr Yagami!" The teacher called."What is one add six?"_

_Light looked at the teacher and sighed. Why must they bother him with such infernal chatter?_

_"Four" He said. Then walked out the classroom feeling like a boss._

_The teacher just sighed._

_"There goes Japan's smartest student." The teacher muttered. _

_Light Yagami looked at the book on the ground. _

_"D...E...De...Dea...Th...Death.." He spelled."N...N...No...T..Not...Note! Death Note!"_

_He picked it up and flipped too the first page._

_"THERE'S NO PICTURES!" He cried."What sort of book is this!"_

_He took out his phone and tweeted._

_**Omg! Fond a buok ad its jst gut wurds! Ah! #firstworldproblems#fml#whoreadsbooks#justinbeiber#YOLO#myhairsfabulous#mileycyrus**_

_Light picked up the book anyway because he wanted to look smart. Then he went home feeling like a boss. _

_Once he got home, Light looked at the book again. Everything was in English! _

_Light whipped out his phone to complain about how hard life was._

_**OMFG! I cnt evn spake english! Fml! :(**_

_**#fluckthisshiz#whoevenspeaksenglish#grumpycat#fml#justgirlythings#pewdiepie#omfg#cheese#feelingsexy#thepope#greenpeace**_

_Light's phone buzzed. He got a reply!_

_** misamisaoffical**_

_**U cld jst Google it? Btw, yr kinda hot!**_

_Light flicked his hair. _

_"Kinda!? I'm totally gorge!" He cried. _

_He went to Google translate and typed in the first sentance that was in the book._

_**Note the name written in this die shall human.**_

_Light was confused. That didn't make any sense. He tried again. _

_**Cause of death if within 4 seconds piano in name person, it happen will.**_

_Light was still confused. Was this a piano book? He flicked through the pages but he were all empty. He decided to use it as a diary._

_**Dear Diary**_

_**I fond thiss buk on teh grond tday. Its al in engilesh so I cant red it. Stepid buk.**_

_**I also am in luve wuth Justin Beiber. Omfg hes hawt! **_

_Light went back to browsing Twitter. After awhile, lots of tweets started appearing saying Justin Beiber had died during a concert. _

_"NOOOO! OMFG!" Light screamed."HE WAS MY WAIFU!"_

_Light then spent 5 days locked in his room crying like a little girl. _

Ryuk was so excited. He was finally going to get a girlfriend! Ryuk had finally located his Death Note and was waiting inside the room of his soon to be sweetheart. He sat on the pink fluffy armchair and looked around him. He walls were plastered with posters of what seemed to be a girl called Justin Beiber. Scrawled around the walls were the words.

**Mrs Yagami Beiber. Beiber 4 evr! I am a Beliber.**

For awhile, Ryuk had been worried that the owner of this room was a boy but after seeing the amount of facecreams and hair products lying around the room he felt sure the occupant was female.

Ryuk heard the front door slam open and feet come running up the stairs. His heart began to beat with anticipation as the door to the room turned.

_Light swung the door open and flung myself down on his bed. _

_He was still upset about the love of his lifes untimely demise. He mournfully wailed into his pillow, wallowing in his teenage angst. _

_"Erm...Excuse me?" A voice behind him said politely._

_Light whirled around. There stood a massive figure loaming over his bed. It's bulging yellow eyes shone in the semi darkness of the room. Its teeth were sharp and it was drooling ever so slightly. _

_The creature awkwardly raised its hand._

_"Sup?" It greeted._

_Light backed away, eyes wide with fear._

_"Your the one who found my Death Note. I thought you'd be a little more feminine!" Ryuk said, eyes bright with excitement."Nevermind, I can make this work!" _

_Light whimpered._

_"Hey, don't cry! I hate it when girls get all over emotional!" It said._

_The thing stepped closer to Light._

_"STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!" Light screamed, running around the room before colliding into the wall and knocking himself out._

Ryuk sighed. His suspicions had been right. Light Yagami was in fact a dude. He had checked. He did indeed had a meat and two veg. It seemed like Ryuk was destined to be alone...

_Light's mother was used to Light making noise. She lost count of the number of times she had walked in to find him dancing to K-Pop naked. It was unusually quiet for a few minutes. _

_"Light?" She called._

_No answer._

_She climbed the stairs and opened the door to her son's room expecting the worst._

_Light was passed out on the floor, wearing no pants with a look of terror on his face. _

_"...Nevermind." She said, slowly closing the door._

**A/N: *giggles* That was fun! Please review! ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2

Light was really regretting picking up that book.

Seriously, this was worse than the time Sayu had convinced him to eat yellow snow. It wasn't lemon flavoured. Anyway, he had woken up lying on the floor, with no pants on. Then he'd looked up and saw that monster standing over him. So, he passed out again.

Ryuk glared at the human on the floor. He had fainted again. Ryuk slapped the human around the face.

"Wake up!" Ryuk ordered.

Light gasped and stared at the Shinigami in front of him. Light tried to scream but Ryuk clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Look, I'm getting real tired of you and all your screaming and fainting and running around!" The Shinigami growled. "So, shut up and listen! Okay?"

Light nodded, crying.

"The book you picked up is a Death Note. It kills people." Ryuk explained. "You write someones name in the book and they die. I am Ryuk. The Shinigami. The Note belongs to me. I dropped it on Earth accidently on purpose, in an attempt to get a girlfriend. Instead I got you. Yay, me. Anyway, the book is yours until you die, which will happen, then you'll be sent to MU to spend eternaty in the realm of the Shinigami. And it's totally boring. We haven't got internet and everyone there is dead. It's kinda a downer. Anyway, you now hold the power of life and death in your hands. Any questions?"

Light nodded.

Ryuk lifted away his hand and Light started babbling.

"OMG! Wft is happening! I mean, you just came in here all like "Hey, look I'm a big Death God and this book kills people!" What the hell is this!" Light asked, looking like he was going to pass out. "And what do you mean MU! I haven't done anything yet! I haven't killed anything!"

Ryuk rolled his eyes.

"You kinda did. Sorry." He said, pointing at the book. "You wrote that Justin Beiber chicks name in the book and, well, she's dead."

Light gasped.

"I KILLED JUSTIN BEIBER?!" He cried.

Light started sobbing and rolling about the floor.

"And you're going to be sent to nothingness for the rest of your pitiful existence." Ryuk added.

"FML! FML! WTF!" Light screamed.

Lights mother looked up at the ceiling. What was her son doing now?

In the weeks that followed, Light became the serial killer known as Kira. His only motive was the fact "he wanted to be a superhero, like Spiderman but more fabulous." He started killing criminals all over the world. The police were baffled. The people lived in fear. So they called in the their last resort. L, the worlds greatest detective.

"_No."_

"_L, I don't think you understand the severity of the situation. Kira needs to be stopped and you're the only one-" Watari started._

"_Do I look like I care?" L snapped "I'm sick of being a detective! What's the point in trying to save the world when everyone's going to die anyway!"_

_Watari sighed._

"_L, you need to-" He started._

"_I don't NEED to do anything! You don't control me!" L cried. _

"_Sir, the people need you." Watari pleaded._

"_The people can go help themselves." L muttered. "I'm busy."_

"_You've been on Tumblr for 4 weeks now." Watari said. "You need to do something!"_

_L just ignored him._

_He came across a blog on Tumblr that read;_

**KIRA IS TEH BEST! L IS JUST A POSER!**

OMG! Kira is soooo cool! He is like the best thinf ever and everyone that doesn't lke him needs to shut the hell up! he's always killing bad people and stuff and I bet he's really cool and likes one direction! L is sooooo old! He just sits there and solves crimes but never does anything else cause hes boring and lame and he should just gtfo. Anyway, I think that kira would kick l's butt cause l's just a weird guy that solves crimes and kira is so cool and stuff.

Okay, bye guys. Please follow me blog and like and stuff!

Bye! -BECKY

_L looked at his screen in astonishment. Oh no she didn't! _

"_I'm so much better than that lame Kira guy!" L snapped, closing his laptop. "You know what! I'm taking him down! He's nothing but a dumb serial killer! I AM L, GOD DAMMIT! WATARI!"_

_Watari ran in the room._

"_Yes sir?" He inquired._

"_Tell the police I'll do it." L growled. "Crap's going to hit the fan!"_

**A/N: Finally! I updated! Hope you liked it! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Light turned on the television, eager to watch his beloved Sakura-chan. Cardcaptor Sakura was one of his favorite programs, right after the Teletubbies and Winnie the Pooh. Some of the people at school laughed at him when he dressed as Sakura-chan for Halloween. Light couldn't see how watching a ten year old girl, running around dressed in elaborate outfits was weird. It didn't matter now of course. All the people who laughed at him had died horribly...which had nothing at all to do with Light.

Cardcaptors was just about to start when a man appeared on screen.

"We'd like to apologize for the interruption." the man on screen said. "As of now we're bringing you a live worldwide broadcast from Interpol's ICPO."

Light looked confused.

"What's an ICPO?" He asked Ryuk.

"How the heck should I know!" Ryuk snapped. "I literally live in the middle of no where!"

"We now take you live to the ICPO." A voice on screen announced.

Light looked at the man on the television. Why was he dressed as a clown?

"I head of internetional police taskfarce that has all member nations." The clown stated in a thick Russian accent. "I Sergi. L. Brotiski. But I known as L."

Light frowned at the screen. That guy is...L?

"Around world, people dying." L said. "This man, Kira, big girly boy. Kira don't kill normally, he no kill with bare hands. But it still murder. I will no rest until the person or persons respensiblle are caught. Kira, I hunt you down. I make tear your head apart with bare hands. I once kill bear with bare hands. I will find you. Then I kill you, then I go toilet on your dead body."

Light laughed and grabbed the Death Note.

"Whatever! I mean, seriously I got a supernatural notebook!" He scoffed. "I am, like, God! As long as I got my notebook, you got nothing on me!"

Light flopped down on his pink desk chair and smirked at the TV.

"Kira, I know why you kill people." L said. "You just big girly man who think he God. But you no God. You evil."

Light gasped.

"WTF! I'm not evil!" Light squealed. "I am justice, bitch! I protect all my peoples and kill all the bad guys! I'm going create a new world where everyone can just chill without getting stabbed and shiz! Anyone who judges me are the ones who are really evil! Soz L but I gotta kill you now!"

Light opened the Death Note and scribbled L's name down.

"I'm gonna show the entire world what happens when you mess with me!" Light snapped. "The entire world is watching, L!"

There was silence as Light waited for the last few seconds to tick by.

"Five more seconds!" Light cried, dancing around his room in excitement. "Four, three, two, one!"

L grasped his chest in pain.

"Derr'mo!" L cried, doubling over. "`tchyo za ga`lima?"

His head then hit the table with a sickening thud.

Light began giggling.

"What's up, L!" Light jeered. "Cat got your tongue!"

Then the screen changed and a massive L was shown onscreen.

"Well,that was unexpected." A synthesized voice said. "I didn't actually think it would work. Kira, you can kill without being there in person. Big wow. No one cares."

Light looked at the screen in horror. Was L haunting him! Of this was just-

"Okay Kira, if you're wondering about that Sergi guy, he was just a weird clown that had been hanging around outside my house for awhile. I bought him shoes." The voice explained. "In exchanged, he went on television and pretended to be L. So, yeah, that wasn't L."

Light went pale. This was bad.

"But L is real, I do exist." L cried. "Now, try to kill me, bitch!"

Light gasped. Did L just call him a bitch!

"What's wrong Kira! You too scared!" L taunted. "You know your mom? She's so hot! I should know I was up all night making her scream! On your bed!"

Light screamed. His mom was having an affair with L!

"I can see you! You better come out!" L said.

Light spun around. Where was he! Could he see him? Was he...under the bed!

"Well? Kill me already!" L demanded. "Can't you do it! Well, 1 in 5 men do have performance issues."

Light blushed. L was mean.

"Well Kira, it seems you can't kill me after all." L said.

Ryuk laughed. This was FUN!

"So there are some people you can't kill. But I knew that. I'm L." L scoffed. "I know everything. Do you want to know a secret? You know how this is a worldwide broadcast? Yeah, it's not. We're only broadcasting in the Kanto region of Japan. Surprise motherfucker! I now know where in the world you are! Bet you didn't see that coming?"

Ryuk laughed.

"I like this guy! He's clever!" He chuckled.

"You remember that guy that died in Shinjuku? Yeah, the one you killed." L continued. "His crime was only ever broadcasted in Japan. I used that info to figure out this much. You're in Japan, your first victim was just an experiment, which means you haven't been killing very long. Anyway, we decided to broadcast this message in Kanto because of its large population. Luckily, you were stupid enough to fall for it. If I'm honest, I never expected you to be this dumb but it won't be too long now before I'll be able to sentence you to death."

Light glared at the screen. Who did this guy think he was?

"I am pretty curious to see how exactly you're killing people." L mused. "But, I can wait. I mean, how hard can it be to catch someone as stupid as you. See you later, loser."

The screen flickered and the message ended.

"Really? That guy's going sentence me to death!" Light laughed. "I'd like to see him try! It's on, L!"

Ryuk chuckled. Humans were so...interesting. Like bunnies.

"L,-

"_Kira,-_

"**I will hunt you down where ever you are hiding and eliminate you!"**

"I am-

"_I am-_

"_Justice!"_

"FABULOUS!"

**A/N: How was it? I hope you found it amusing! I even researched Russian swearwords to use for Sergi and everything! Anyway, please review! Bye!**


	4. Chapter 4

L stared at the pictures on the table. For two weeks, he had done nothing but search for information about Kira. He had come to the conclusion that Kira was a high school student from Japan, who had some connection to the Japanese police. His main suspects were; Misaki Matsuda, Light Yagami and Sora Mogi. All were related closely to members of the Japanese police but at the moment...Light Yagami seemed the most likely suspect. His father was the chief of police and he was a high school student. On closer inspection, his Internet history was deleted several times in the past month, which was normal for a high school boy but he had only started this behaviour recently, hinting that he is paranoid for some reason. He seemed like the perfect match for Kira. Except...

He was so incredibly stupid.

After looking at his past test papers and his recent exam results, L was almost sure that someone as unintelligent as Light Yagami could never be Kira. But...he had to try. So, he requested that an FBI agent follow Light around for a few weeks, to see if there was any chance he could be the mysterious killer... Unfortunately, all of the FBI's best agents were investigating other leads. So...they had to bring in THAT guy...

Agent Raye Penber sniffed the air. It smelled...ominous. He knew that this smell could only mean one thing...danger was afoot! Then he realized...he had just broken wind. But, he could still sense danger. He had been an FBI agent since the age of 21. He had a nose for trouble, an eye for trickery, a mouth for...for...unniceness. This was he world. A world of danger. A world of evil. A world of...eh...ominousness.

Raye Penber looked around him conspicuously. Today was a big day. Today...he would be investigating Light Yagami, Kira suspect. It was a task even skilled agents like himself should be wary of. Kira was smart. He knew things. He could kill people with his magical killing powers...like a super villain. But...he would be stopped. How could he succeed with Raye Penber on the case? Raye had solved every case he worked on. Well...most of them. Okay, a few. Fine. 4/21. But he would beat him. He was brave, he was strong, he was smart, he was tall, he had a smoking hot wife...he was...Raye Penber.

Light Yagami looked behind him. He was sure that tree was following him. Since he got up, he had been seeing a lot of trees. It had been on the bus to school. It had been in his classroom at school, it had even been in the toilet. Ryuk had also noticed it but hadn't said anything because...trees had feelings too. Ryuk could hardly pass judgement on others...he wasn't exactly normal himself. In fact, maybe he and the tree could get along. Two shunned souls in a foreign land, finding comfort in each other. Besides, it had to be smarter than Light. "Ryuk...is it me or is that tree moving?" Light asked, looking at the plant with a mixture of wonder and suspicion. "Isn't that normal here?" Ryuk enquired. "Uh...I don't think so." Light said, scratching his head. "Um...Mr Tree? Why are you following me?"

Raye had been rumbled! Operation Tree had failed. This kid...was a genius! How could he have seen past his amazing disguise? The enemy had found him out. What did he do now. Surrender? Never! What did they tell him to do in training...of course! Play dead!

Light stared at the tree as it flopped over. Trees didn't do that. "OWWWWW! " The tree wailed."MY ELBOW! I BANGED MY ELLLLBBBOWW!" Ryuk looked at Light in confusion. "Trees don't have elbows, right?" He asked. Light shook his head.  
"Wait...trees don't speak! Only people do!" Light cried. "And some breeds of parrot." Light went up to the tree and kicked it. "OWWWWW!" It cried. "Please don't kill me! I swear I'm not with the police! Promise. Pinky swear." Light looked at the tree and laughed. "Why would I kill you! I'm just a regular high school boy. Well...who has a Death No- I mean...eh...has a deer."  
Ryuk sighed. "Light...just go home." He said. "Okay...bye Mr Tree!" Light called. Raye Penber knew then that Light Yagami was an evil killer. How else could he have seen past his amazing disguise? Plus...he had stupid hair.

And that annoyed him.

A/N: Hey guys...not written in awhile. Hope you liked it! I've had writers block for so long...feels good to be able to write shit again! Please review! It means so much to me! 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! This would make a pretty good abridged series...*plan forms* **

**... Kidding. I'm way to lazy for that! **

_"Why are you dressed as a tree, Penber-san?" L asked, looking at the FBI agent, who he was speaking to over a video call. Of course, he disabled his own camera and changed his voice but he could see the FBI agent perfectly well...and he was wearing what appeared to be a rather poorly made tree costume. _

_L was seriously beginning to doubt if these people were even capable of going to the bathroom by themselves,let alone capturing a mass murderer. _

_"It was part of my plan to spy on Light Yagami." Raye explained,knowing that not even the great detective could not handle his genius. _

_"...tell me Penber-San...how are you even part of the FBI?" L enquired, silently despairing over the state of the police force and the world. _

_"I know, I know...I should be much higher up but...I prefer to be on these streets, catching the criminals than sitting behind a desk!" Raye laughed, chest swelling with pride. _

_"No. I meant because you are completely incompetent and make me wonder if this world is even worth saving if the only allies I have are anything like you." L said flatly. _

_Raye Penber gasped. _

_"B-but I...I'm..." Raye stammered."...special."_

_L sighed. _

_"On the contrary, Penber-San, you are not special in anyway, other than in your very flawed logic and intelligence, which does not cease to surprise me." L replied."Now, please tell me what little information you were able to gather about Light Yagami."_

_Raye fought back tears. This was his chance to redeem himself. _

_"Well...one thing I noticed is that he always talks to himself." Raye told the detective."Like, he will answer questions when no one asked him anything and shout at thin air."_

_L considered this information. _

_"Well, if you think about his age, he is rather old for an imaginary friend." L mused."Could it be...he is disturbed in anyway? Behaviour like that is often a symptom of mental health issues. But...if I remember correctly, Light Yagami never had any health problems, mental or otherwise, other than when he got his head stuck in the railings at his school last year."_

_"I've done that." Raye admitted. _

_"Of course you have." L sighed."Light Yagami and yourself share a number of characteristics, poor judgment being one of them."_

_Raye frowned._

_"That is completely untrue!" Raye protested."You know nothing about me!"_

_L rolled his eyes, then stopped, realising that the FBI agent couldn't see. _

_"You are dressed as a tree and were found outside of Light Yagami's home, unable to get up because you did not think to include arm holes in your costume." L said."Is that not the very meaning of poor judgement?"_

_Raye glared at the screen. _

_"I was in character! Do trees have arms. No. They have branches." Raye argued. _

_L sighed. It was dinner time. _

_"Well...this talk has been...interesting. Send any further information to me. Goodbye Penber-San." L said. _

_"Bye..." _

_Raye paused. _

_"...loser!" He giggled. _

_"...I am still here Penber-San." L informed him. _

_"FUDGE NUGETS!" Raye cried, ending the call. _

_L sat there for a moment considering how many of the Japanese police were as stupid as Raye Penber. He sincerely hoped that Raye was unique in his lack of intelligence. _

**Misa Amane punched the wall, roaring in frustration. **

**This was not good. **

**L was challenging Kira, the only person she felt was on her side. After her parents death...she changed. She went from Misa Amane, cute Japanese idol to Misa Amane, cute, violent, cage fighter. She wanted revenge on the man that killed her mom and dad but no would do anything about it. Until Kira. **

**Misa glared at her phone. Everyday, Kira was making the world a safer place and now... L...a stupid,self-righteous nobody was trying to stop him?! Kira was the light that the world needed. He was justice. Why couldn't they see that?! **

**"If only I could help Kira. I would make sure this L doesn't get in his way!" Misa shouted. If only... **

Rem stared at the girl who would soon be her master. She was beautiful.

"I HATE THIS GOD DAMN PLACE!" Misa roared flipping the table and throwing it against the wall.

So...beautiful?

"I'M A GRACEFUL FEMININE BUTTERFLY!" Misa yelled, smashing a glass vase off the wall.

...Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

"Hey...What's this book doing here?" Misa wondered, picking up the black notebook.

...crap.

**Misa stared at the...the thing in her room. What the hell was it? **

"**Uh...I see you found my book!" It said, pointing at the book. **

**"What are you?" Misa asked."Some kind of monkey?"**

**The thing laughed nervously.**

**"I'm...uh...Rem." It informed her."I'm a Shinigami."**

**Misa blinked. **

**"What's a Shinigami?" She asked. **

**"A God of Death..." Rem replied. **

**"So, you're God?"**

**"Uh...no. I'm-"**

**"Jesus?"**

**"No I-"**

**"Satan?"**

**"SHUT UP! Ryuk was right. You humans are dumb." Rem shouted.**

**Misa stopped talking. **

**"Okay...I'm a God of Death. I kill humans when it is their time to die. The thing that you're holding is a Death Note. If you write someone's name in the book they will die. Now, you have to write their full name and think of their face while writing it so that people with the same name will not be harmed." Rem explained. **

**"And...You're giving it to me?" Misa asked. **

**Rem nodded. **

**"I have a whole big story that's really touching and-"**

**Misa interrupted her. **

**"I AM MOTHER DUCKING GOD!" she cried. **

**Rem had a feeling this was a terrible mistake. **


End file.
